Pressure Point

I like being alone. The quiet comforts me. I would rather hear silence than the rumbling of a crowd. I would rather lay comfortably on my bed and watch lessons than to leave the house. I am not a social person but I can be charismatic and I know the right thing to say. I am the happiest in small groups – or when I am completely on my own. I don’t like the pressure of being in front of people. I hate faking smiles and acting on which I always do.
I am an introvert. I like my own company. I cannot stand most people. They only bring disappointment and stress. Some make my days worse instead of better. Even though I like being alone, at the same time, I hate it. I hate having a million things to say but no one listen to me say them. I hate seeing posts about concerts and events I am dying to attend but having no one to drag along with me. I hate being cooped up in my house all day long because no one is around to convince me to go out. I hate how my friends infrequently reach out for conversations. I hate the small amount of notifications that fill my phone. I hate feeling like there is not a soul in this world who considers me a priority.
I hate wasting the weekends of my youth. I hate missing out on all of the things people my age are supposed to be doing. I hate feeling like every single day is a repeat of the last because my schedule never changes that’s why I always sign up for classes because no one invites me out. No one sets plan with me. No one wants me around.
Sometimes it feels like I don’t have anyone at all – and I am not sure how to change that for the better. Afraid of attempting to make friends and failing miserably. Even though there are moments when I want to lock myself away and avoid any form of human interaction, there are other moments when all I want to do is have fun with friends, go out and meet new people, actually live my life.
I have a love-hate relationship with my loneliness. Sometimes it saves me. And sometimes it suffocates me.

Depression Thoughts

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