I am melting the fuck down lately. I’ve been sleeping too little or too much. I always fake confidence so other people wouldn’t notice how self conscious I really am. I am a damn pretty good actress. I am a Gemini after all. Two faced bitch.
I feel stuck at the moment. I am losing interest on the things that I normally enjoy. My body and mind feels so tired. My other friends are going through something rough right now, I want to off grid right now but you know they are them. They’re gonna talk shit about how I am not there and would just think about their own pain and would just think that I am just a cold hearted bitch who ignores their struggles that’s why I never really liked my hs friends that much. They are pretty judgmental and selfish. Darlene is the only one who notices my pain but I lost her now..
I’m getting older but I feel useless. I really do. I’ve been dreaming about killing myself lately. I feel like I am not doing anything to contribute for a greater good. I just have these money. I feel like I am going nowhere. I feel broken. I feel empty.
I want to isolate myself again. I need to think. Every word, every move I make, I need to plan everything otherwise everything I have will fall apart. Can the world would be just quiet for a while? I am scared to die young knowing I didn’t live a fulfilling life but I am more scared about living an unfulfilled life.
Ever since I was a kid I’ve struggled about depression, my mental health. I did try to commit suicide once. Only Darlene knows about it. I’ve shown my scar to her. No one knows about it. No one is that close to me. No one cares enough. I am not comfortable with anyone showing my true emotions, what I really feel. I don’t want to be vulnerable. I don’t trust anyone.