Protect Me

The day was late and tired, still breathing heavily from an excess heat. The sun was about to come down now, reaching the old tall building with its last orange strength. Summer afternoons could last forever, especially when you are a small kid playing around and exploring or an adult, waiting for or avoiding someone.

I gasped with disappointment, frustration and relief at the same time. It would complicate everything. I was searched. No room for magic, especially the worst kind.

I wasn’t in the mood for a forbearance no more than anticipating the moment of peace. My hands were shaking a little bit, unstable and unpredictable shivers went through my body.  I put all my strength into this battle, hoping it would be the last one, but knew better. It won’t. I was used to mix hope with lie for so long, so the sore acceptance didn’t come easily. Damn, I just want to relax.

Frankly I had gone through my worst of times already, leaving most of the shadows behind. I had drowned in the darkness, screamed in the light, begged and yelled for this one thing that would make me feel normal, feel alive, feel in general – one enchanted fix. It was like travelling between worlds, crawling on the bottom, scratching and humiliating myself inside and out in front of people I had previously wanted to impress so badly. Scream, curse, vomit, repeat. I had been given food and blanket, and the cycle repeated itself over and over. It seemed more like years, but I couldn’t complain. I finally felt better, although it was a bittersweet victory. Right now it was just an inch below my skin, a demand not needed to be fulfilled. Right now it felt pretty good. The future looked ugly though.

My own power of remembering every single detail of my homemade rehab was flabbergasted to say the least. Sometimes you really try to remember somebody’s face, smile or gesture and can’t get it out o your mind cache. Sometimes you really do want to forget, especially all those worst days or months of your life and it seems un-achievable.

I had too much stuff on my list to forget about anyway. I never wanted anything ordinary, but this time had passed and faded away like a photo left on a sunny windowsill. Ordinary felt good at the moment. I missed it.

Old habits die hard. I didn’t like feeling vulnerable, hating not been able to stand up for myself and rely on others. Trusting somebody, anybody, with this spiral of emotions was destructive enough. Another secret to uncover, another coded message I had missed along the way. One day I would ask. Not today though.

This was still an untouchable subject, yet again, the topic I had ran away from as soon as the conversation had started. I preferred to take the risk of shaking, and howling at the moon for a fix without any other protection than to face this particular drawback. I was tired to run away again or go any further. Knowing I would have to face the consequences and go through another hell of questioning and arguments was a distress, but I didn’t have a choice. I felt choice-less for a while lately. Arguing about the facts was the phase I had passed a long time ago. I knew the uncomfortable and unfair reality too well and started to learn how to accept it. Dealing with it was bringing another pile of issues though; a can of never-ending worms.

Forcing me to do anything seemed impossible but right now I am so weakened, fragile and infirm. If the pressure would be applied in the right dose and in the right place, I might give up. Overwhelmed by my own wrongdoings, I was still very lost and off track.

I am strangely more nervous and anxious than I should.


Life Thoughts

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